5 Things I wish I knew about babies, before I had one

If there is one thing I know about people, it is that they absolutely LOVE giving advice. Whether you want it or not, they are around every corner to give you some more advice that you don’t want, and most of it I have found out that you don’t even need, or use. In short:

People who talk a lot, say nothing. People who think they know everything, know little.

I don’t mean to sound harsh; some of the time, the heart and good intentions are there, but there are other times, where people just want to know everything and be right. Those people are the ones you subconsciously tip-toe around talking about your baby for fear that they will feel the urge to interject. And those people suck. Get away from those people. FAST. The truth is, no one will ever know what is best for you and your new little monster better than you and your partner will. That being said, here are FIVE THINGS I WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER OFF KNOWING ABOUT HAVING A BABY.

1. WASH. THEIR. NECKS. Frequently. Especially if your baby is formula fed like mine. They spit up and it gets all in their necks, and before you really know what’s going on, BAM: it smells like your baby is smuggling super aged cheddar cheese.
2. BABIES MAKE SUPER WEIRD NOISES. I don’t mean the adorable coo’s, because we all know those will happen, and then we will melt to the floor and turn into a mushy puddle of feels. I mean the other noises. No one told me that my baby would sometimes sound like she swallowed a squeaky toy when she was sleeping! No one told me that sometimes before crying, she will make this sort of……revving cough noise? To get herself going.
3. TRY NOT TO JOIN A MOMMY GROUP unless it’s with friends that you can stand, that aren’t fucking mental. I was added to quite a few on Facebook, and let me tell you, the anxiety you can get from them is unnnnnnnreal. Being a new mom, most of us tend to be pretty insecure, and being in the wrong group will not help that. You will read what they are doing and if your parenting doesn’t seem to be matching up with theirs, you will think you are doing everything wrong, when you are doing just fine. I am now only still a part of one, and the girls are there are pretty cool. No one comes off as judge-y, which is unique in a mommy group.
4. BABY POOP ISN’T AS GROSS AS YOU THINK IT IS, and it will come in many different colors. This is coming from someone who will plug their ears and “LA LA LA” their way out of a conversation about bowel movements and toot jokes. It is by far my least favorite bodily function to talk about, but somehow the baby poos don’t seem to bother me in the slightest. I’m not so sure about breastfed babies, but with formula fed babies, get used to poo that very strongly resembles whole grain mustard, in both sight and smell for the first couple months. Also, they toot louder than all get out.
5. BABIES LITERALLY NEED 1/4 OF THE SHIT YOU WANT FOR YOUR SHOWER. At first, anyway. Here are some examples:
   1. A MILLION STUFFIES. Sure, they are all so dang cute and it’s hard not to buy them. But after like 3, they tend to be overwhelming.
   2. CHANGING TABLE. Just a table for changing. I got one, and though I am grateful to my mom for providing it, a functional dresser with one of those box thingies to go on top would have been a better option, especially if storage space is limited.
   3. ACTUAL SHOES.  WHY?! Potatoes don’t need shoes.

TL;DR:

Babies are weird. Don’t be afraid of them. Don’t let people tell you what to do. Except clean their necks. Please refer back to number 1 on the list.

The most frequent piece of garbage advice I got was, “sleep when the baby sleeps.” Let me tell you, that is the biggest crock of shit ever. If you always slept when the baby slept, you would probably end up in a coma. Babies sleep insane amounts. Of course sometimes your naps with align with theirs. Don’t fight it, because you are a busy new mom who needs her sanity sleep. However, try to take some of their sleeping time to take care of yourself. That is DEFINITELY something I wish more people would have told me. You are just as important as your baby, and a happy mommy, means a happy baby. Always.

Happy baby:

Happy baby & mommy:

More happy baby, because look at that faaaace: